Life update. Love, death, despair, and fulfillment.

I’m happy to be at a place in my life where I have a good job with good income that allows me to pay all of my bills, own a new car, have an actual savings, and still have good money to do what I want. Not that I ever have any time to do the things that I want, because I’ve been working 50-60 hours a week, but it’s nice to not have to ration my income to choose between eating or having the things that I want. If I want something, I get it. I’ve already made more in 6 months than I made in the last two years combined. I’m turning 26, and I feel like I’m done with the phase of my life that was rampant with struggle and hopelessness. I’m still majorly depressed most of the time and physically exhausted, but my only stresses are the amount of time I spend at work, and not getting as much sleep as I’d like. I’ll settle for that, though. I don’t fear for my job security like I used to, because I know they depend on me. They know that I’m the one that shows up, and I’m the one that volunteers to do the shit that nobody else wants to do. I get along with everyone that I work with, and I have a great rapport with all of my supervisors. I’m setting myself up for promotions, and the opportunity to work my way into the middle class. The things I do do not fufill my purpose, and if you told me that this is what I’d be doing ten years ago, I’d probably have put a gun in my mouth a long time ago, but that’s life. A job is a job. Influential people don’t have more worth than anyone else, more people know about them. Who gives a shit? We’re all going to be in the ground one day, no matter how famous or rich you may be. For now, I’m content in my financial security. The only thing missing from my life is love. I don’t have friends anymore. I haven’t had any for over a year now. I can’t say that I blame them for writing me off. I didn’t have my shit together and I was stuck. Losing everyone was honestly the best thing for me. It’d have been great to grow with the people that I loved, but sometimes you need to cut ties with the things that hold you down. Not to say that anyone other than me is responsible for the position I put myself in, but it was the push I needed to figure my shit out. I still struggle with my food addiction and I’m spiraling again due to my lack of self control and my stress level. I know that the only thing holding me back from finding someone to be with, or a group of new friends is my weight, but I still can’t change. Maybe I’m not mentally capable of holding down a high pressure career and making smart decisions when it comes to the food I eat and the amount of exercise I get. At the end of the day, I know that’s bullshit too. Every night I tell myself I’m hitting the reset button when I wake up, but then I get to work sleep deprived, develope a headache, and then eat whatever bullshit is fast and readily available. I’m finally getting tattooed tomorrow. Completely covering my right forearm and starting a sleeve. Hopefully it’ll motivate me to finally lose the rest of the weight, start lifting again, and fill out my upper arms so I can finish the sleeve without having loose skin or warped tattoos if I were to finish the sleeve still while fat. I don’t know man. I want to be the man my father never was. I want to meet a good girl that I can grow with. I want to make even more money and work less.

I’m saving for a new bulldog puppy. Losing my best friend in February crushed me. Cody came into my life a week later, and I fell in love with him immediately. He filled in a huge hole in my heart. Having him die on my lap three months later killed me. We were having the best day. I took him on a road trip and he was out with me all day. His heart couldn’t take it in the end and it burst in his chest. I’ll never get over trying to revive him and having to deal with loading his body in the trunk and driving an hour back home knowing he was back there and I couldn’t do anything about it. I’m destroyed and I need another bulldog to care for. I could rescue a dog, but if you’ve never had a bulldog, you don’t know what it’s like to live with one. I’ll probably always need a bulldog. I don’t know how to close this, but I needed to get it out somewhere. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and I need to let this shit go somehow so I can move forward.